A monologue delivered by Steven Lamprinos as part of the A Dolt’s Only Xma$ pageant last month…


Singing, deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la



Well hello, kiddies. Merry Christmas! It’s me, Bumbo the Clown! I’ve brought some treats for you, because it’s Christmas. I’ve got them in my pockets. And if you promise to be reallylllly nice to Bumbo, he’ll let you dig through his pockets to find those sweet, creamy treats. And if you’ve been naughty? Well, Bumbo has something extra special for you…



Oh, no little Billy, no need to call 911. I know children are very aware these days and  Bumbo isn’t one of those clowns. See? They’re just crème-filled tootsie rolls. Hahhahhahahaha!


Oh, Christmas, boys and girls, Bumbo loves Christmas. His fondest memories as a little boy involve Christmas, Heck, Christmas is what made Bumbo the Clown! Those eager weeks of anticipation leading up to that special morning. Watching the stack of gift-wrapped presents pile up beneath the tree, that long unbearable night lying in bed, unable to sleep, dying to get up at the crack of dawn and rejoice in the bounty! And then waking up, and realizing all the presents were gone, because Bumbo’s daddy had a crack habit, a $500 a week habit, and he’d hocked all those presents, leaving nothing but a scrawny weiner dog named Rufus who Bumbo, being just  a bit disillusioned, used to kick and claw and scratch and stuff in the dryer vent and pull….


Oh, no, no, no!  Don’t cry Susie. Rufus found a good home. After…they…took him. And daddy cleaned up. Everything works out for the best. Because it’s Christmas YAY CHRISMAS!!!


It’s a time of miracles and magic! Bumbo has so many great memories of Christmas. Like the one Christmas when daddy had a job and mommy was still…all there and they planned a huge Christmas with a big fat turkey and mounds of stuffing and hop piping rolls and mince-meat pie and whipped crème and…alcohol. A lot of alcohol. Daddy started telling Mommy the turkey was done at 9, even though she only put in at 7. She got a backhand across the face for that. And then he started in on the Wild Turkey and started trying to touch mommy in the place where poopie comes  out and she hit him with a cast iron skillet, which knocked him out which was good, cuz at least he couldn’t hurt us anymore  But then Uncle Roger came over, and like always, when daddy wasn’t looking he took me to Uncle Charlies magic basement and while mommy and daddy were drinking Old Grand Dad I was screaming in agony because Uncle Roger kept forcing and forcing and  forcing his…


No no no! Little Eddie!. Uncle Roger was forcing his libertarian ideology on me. And I was too young to handle bullshit politics, so I started crying…that’s all. Everything works out. Daddy got stitches. 128. And it was fine.


Because CHRISTMAS MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER! . Everything. It brings families together and people are more compassionate. Do you know what compassion is, boys and girls? It’s a virtue. It’s a foundation of love. It’s about forgiveness. No matter what anyone has ever done to you, stolen your lunch money, tattled on you, called you names, you can always find the strength in your heart to forgive them.

Bumbo forgives everyone. Even that woman Bumbo once knew. The woman Bumbo loved. The woman Bumbo cared about. The woman who, when Bumbo went to her house, on Christmas morning to give her a ring, wouldn’t answer the door. So Bumbo kept knocking. And there was no answer. So Bumbo walked to the bedroom window. And knocked on the window. And saw the woman Bumbo loved. And someone else, on the bed. And Bumbo knocked on the window harder. And it broke. And the woman screamed at him. And Bumbo left only to come back a little while later. With a gas can. And he crawled through that broken window and he poured the gas on the bed. And lit a match on it. And it caught the whole house on fire and three others. And Bumbo ran. Bumbo ran and ran and ran through many counties and many states. And he came to, six months later, in Angola, that’s a prison in Louisiana. And Bumbo the Clown was lost. So terribly, terribly lost… But he made it through and he became a clown and now shares joy and love. And is no longer haunted by the fantasy of finding that woman and grabbing her and throwing her to the ground and sinking his nails into her neck and choking that fucking whore until her face turns purple and her legs stop kicking and…

Oh, no no no!  don’t’ cry children. And then Bumbo will forgive himself! Yes, you must forgive yourself and—NO BILLY. DO NOT CALL 911!


Well kiddies, Bumbo  has to go now. It’s been wonderful, merry Christmas!


Tosses the tootsie rolls to the audience


“Deck the halls with boughs of holly…fa-la-la-la-la-la….”